This is installment #19 in my several-part series, Shit I Wrote a While Ago. Our assignment for this piece was, if I remember correctly, to write some new commandments. I apparently chose to write seven of them. From 1999.

The Seven Commandments (As Taught in Kindergarten)

To find the rules that every person should live by, you could look into those big, important documents that they used to form the basis for our country in Washington, D.C., or you could go only as far as a kindergarten classroom. Really, when you think about it, all the rules you need to live by are taught to you in kindergarten. All of the small rules can be combined into sven main ones that, if followed by everyone, would make our country a much better place to live in.

Rule #1: Everyone is equal

This means, in kindergarten terms, that you are no better and no worse than the person sitting next to you, so yo have no reason to make fun of them or treat them badly. This is especially true for people who are a different gender or race from you. Everyone is equal, and no one has any reason to think otherwise.

Rule #2: Always tell the truth

If you always tell the truth, your life will be much easier. It might not seem that way at first, but one lie just leads to another, and pretty soon you can barely even remember what the truth is. Also, when you start to lie, then the things that were really your fault slowly start to become someone else’s fault, until the whole blame is placed on an innocent person. So just tell the truth. It’ll make everyone’s life a lot easier.

Rule #3: Don’t take anything that isn’t yours

Whether it’s Jimmy’s red crayon or a CD from NRM [ed. note: Haha record stores], stealing is wrong. If it’s not yours, don’t take it. It’s that simple. Someone worked hard to get what he has, and for you to just go and take it is wrong. You might not get caught at first, but when you do - and eventually you will - it won’t be pretty. If you don’t want it enough to pay for it, then you don’t want it that badly.

Rule #4: Do what adults tell you do to

Or, in grown-up terms, honor authority. Listen to your parents; chances are, they know what they’re talking about. Respect the people in charge, whether it’s your boss, your teacher, the police, or Judge Judy. They have a hard enough life as it is without you being a bother to them. If everyone got the respect they deserved, there wouldn’t be as much violence.

Rule #5: Keep your hands to yourself

This doesn’t just mean that you shouldn’t pull the pigtails of the girl sitting next to you. It means that you shouldn’t be violent. Imagine if no one ever got into a fist fight or shot a gun. The school shootings never would have happened. There would never be wars. You could walk down a dark street at night and the only thing you’d have to worry about would be tripping over your own feet.

Rule #6: Don’t be jealous of what other people have.

You should be happy with what you have, because it’s probably more than you need anyway. People always say that the best things in life are free, so start enjoying them and stop worrying about what so-and-so has. Jealousy only leads to stealing. It’s better to be happy with what you have than to be worried about what you don’t have.

Rule #7: Treat other people the way you want to be treated

This is the one thing they tel you all through school, and there’s a reason for it. This is really the only rule we need [ed. note: Thus spake Jesus.] If you think about it, unless you’d liketo be discriminated against, lied to, stolen from, disrespected, beaten up, or envied, don’t do it to other people. If people truly followed this rule, the world would be such a better place.

So the next time you’re about to give someone a black eye or call them Dumbo the Flying Elephant because they have big ears, remember what you learned in kindergarten, and do the right thing. Think how you would feel if you were in their place. It’s not a hard decision. If you’re nice to other people, they’ll be nice to you.

As I was typing this, all I could think was how Rules 2-6 sound like they’re for empancipated slaves or some shit. This is the whitest thing I’ve ever written, by a long shot. “Always listen to authority”?! Who the fuck was I trying to convince not to think for himself? How bizarre. C+